Mystic Thinker

10. Neuschwanstein Castle, German

This castle is truly everyone’s fantasy dream. It is one the most beautiful that one could ever find, an embodiment of 19th century romanticism. It is set with towers and spires and is spectacularly sited on a high point. It’s the perfect image of where I would like to stay for the rest of my life.

9. Antelope Canyon, USA

Antelope Canyon is one of the many places that I will not be disappointed seeing. I have seen beautiful photographs in magazines, brochures and movies of it and those shots are incredible. For someone who loves photography like me, it is a place that I must see. To see a bizarre slot in the earth, a beauty of nature and pattern it forms, created by wind and water for over thousands of years can produce the most breathtaking images.

8. The Pyramids of Giza, Egypt

Visiting the pyramids of Giza, one of the oldest monuments on Earth, will be one of the most amazing experiences ever. To see these enormous pyramids and being able to go down to the burial chamber to have stood the test of time is to die for. One of the reasons why I want to go here is to adore the extraordinary geometry the Egyptian have implemented in accomplishing these amazing architects. I’ve read about it in books but it will always remain hugely impressive if I do get the chance to see it myself.

7. The Great Wall, China

“He who has not climbed the Great Wall is not a true man” - Mao Zedong. This is truly one of the most amazing view with the most amazing structure that can give you the most amazing feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment when you do go there. The Great Wall is unlike anything else in the world because its vastness is breathtaking and extends off as far as one can see. I think you’ll get such an amazing feeling from walking along the same pathways presidents and rulers from all over the world throughout the ages have walked.

6. Mont Saint Michel, France

Mont-St-Michel is one of those iconic places that everyone should visit at some point in their lives. Not often do you see a place that takes your breath away from afar but this is definitely one. I was first introduced to Mont Saint Michel several years ago. When I went to France I didn’t get the chance to go here but I’d really like to go there someday. There’s a reason why it is always crowded and people have been flocking in here forever. It is really, really beautiful.

Words are not enough to describe the blissful paradise of Fiji Island. It is one of the most scenic vacation spots on the planet, a great place to get away from the stresses of life. The beach is white sand lapped by beautiful turquoise water which is spectacularly beautiful. There is nothing better than this if we really want to forget about life in the first world. This is my perfect castaway island.

3. Kyoto, Japan

I’ve dreamed of Kyoto and its Pavilion temples for as long as I’ve dreamed of Japan. I love Japanese architecture and Zen gardens. One day, when I own a home, my backyard will be designed as a Japanese Zen garden, complete with pond, Koi fish, rock garden, and little waterfall. Kyoto is where you will find the Japan of your imagination: beech wood interior, bonsai trees, raked pebble gardens, arcades of vermilion shrine gates, geisha disappearing into the doorways of traditional restaurants, and golden temples floating above tranquil waters. I must come here someday.

2. Bora Bora, French Polynesia

Bora Bora island is definitely one of the most magical places on earth. The legends, mysteries, and romances associated with the island itself bring an almost mystical presence. I always picture the island perfect for honeymooners so once I get married, it’ll be nice to have a honeymoon here. There are so many beautiful things to explore in this island, from lagoon excursion, swimming with stingrays, shark feeding, snorkeling under a perfect sunny day, coral sightseeing. it is an ideal definition of paradise on earth.

1. Santorini, Greece

This magical place is hailed as the most beautiful island and the most gorgeous spot on the planet. It is unique on every way; the versatile landscape with steep rock formations, terraces with panoramic sea views, small white villages, lush beaches, stunning sunsets, wild fun, are all to die for. I fell in love at the first time I saw this place from a movie and I can see myself living in here just to admire the beauty of the island. I would so love that!

“I’m not beautiful” is not a self-pitying statement, nor it is not something you say to fish for compliments. It is a matter-of-fact, a realistic statement. This does not mean you should think you are unattractive. You should always be confident enough to say that you do. Stop struggling with the different concepts of beauty people have in their mind.

Jaw-dropping physical beauty is a gift that you are born with. However, not everyone is in that range. You can strive for it forever, for the rest of your life, but it would just suck you in further and suffocate you with an infinite tempting new ways to be beautiful. You don’t need to be beautiful and it’s totally fine because you should always realize that you have other factors of attractiveness such as intelligence, loyal, kindness and so much more. Don’t ever believe that you’re going to be lonely because you don’t look like Anne Hathaway or Blake Lively. You shouldn’t mind other girls that are prettier than you because there’s always going to be someone more appealing to another’s eyes. The ones you should envy more are the girls who can easily talk to people, have great creativity, have an amazing personality, and are multi-talented. It’s like, why can’t you be them?

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I know deep down in my heart that even if you lost a lot of pounds and do all the most expensive beauty treatments, you would still just be you. You would be at the peak of your attractiveness, but realistically the improvement would be small in comparison to the time and effort and money spent on maintaining it. I blame the media for this. The media have been influencing people’s mind and the ideal representation of beauty they offer is nothing but fake. Everything is touched up with Photoshop brushes so are we, as human beings, not allowed to have any flaw in our body?

Wrapping up a life requires time to tie up the practical details, deliver final messages, bid farewells, and savor all “last times:” Last birthday or car ride, vacation or dance. Last scent of fresh rain. Last kiss of a beloved. Last breath. These moments are essential.  They’re sacred, like rare jewels scattered through a gathering dusk. Discovering that you are in pain naturally makes you take inventory of your life. You have a right to have questions, fears and hopes. Illness establishes new directions and often causes some questioning of old directions. New thoughts, feelings and action patterns will emerge. The unknown invites you to question and search for the meaning of your life, in the past, present and future. So how do you cope? How do we tell them? Receiving the news is a blow like no other but delivering the message will suck even more. But you see, it is something that needs to be done. It can prevent someone’s opportunity to gaze around in final wonder, to direct them instead to keep their head down and keep running on some exhausting, futile wheel of cure-seeking.

I have seen how my aunt suffers from cancer. There may be times when she can’t be as intimate as she would like to be with her husband. Her cancer makes her physically very sensitive - even a gentle hug may hurt. How does it feel? Is it frightening? Did she resist getting close to her husband? How do you control your intense, uncontrollable feelings? How do you feel intimate at all? Isn’t it better to withdraw your partner and isolate yourself? Just sitting holding hands, lying down together, or cuddling can be a great comfort during such difficult times but is it enough to keep the love, to invest so much time in a “dead end” relationship? 

Appreciating the preciousness of human life, based on the understanding of one’s body constantly changing, ageing, moving toward death since birth and the uncertainty of life helps us appreciate everything. In the final stage when my life begins to shut down, will there be someone to maintain my dignity and attend to my comfort as much as possible? Would there still be someone who will still be loving me? Who will still love and humor me, take away the tension from a stressful situation, leaving the burden of self and entering into an instant oneness with another? Will there be someone supporting me, being alongside as a good friend: patient, non-judgmental, compassionate, allowing the person’s own wisdom to evolve. When things get tough and regrets appear, will there be someone to encourage memories of meaningful events by allowing whatever faith, hope and love the person has, to exist and develop freely? The thought of it scares me.

Can we really define love? All of us fall in love, but how many of us really understand the true meaning of it? The definition of love is vague and yet, so simple. It’s strange but when we say, “I love you”, it seems to welcome poverty when we try to find the meaning of it. Somehow I feel that love was too small a word to explain everything I am feeling. The meaning of love was just too simple. I just couldn’t find it justifiable to explain so many intangible feelings in a little four-letter word.

The love itself can’t really be explained, it has to be experienced. Is it the feeling that makes me want to jump out with joy? Or is it that touch that makes me want to skip across the clouds? I wonder if it is love when I feel happy to see his face, or is it love when I embrace him passionately? It is a very subjective word, unlike any other word in the world. No one can understand what another person’s definition of love is, nor can anyone ever replicate another person’s love. Perhaps love is just a word we use when we have to define a feeling that just can’t be described, a feeling that no one else can understand but you.

I can’t really give an ideal definition of love because no one has ever showed or told me what love really is. My interpretation of love might not be other’s interpretation of love. I have been asked what love is many times, and it is very hard to answer. I’ve only read about it in books and listened to songs that try to explain the meaning of it. I heard a lot of scientific bollocks saying about love but when I really think about it, love is something that is more than just science; it’s a reason that makes us believe that there is something beyond our control. What I do know is that my world stops when I’m with him. I burn inside and warmth fills within me as he holds my hand or when I’m in his arms. It makes me feel safe and I suddenly lose sight of the world when I gaze into his eyes. I don’t know what it is that makes me weak when he hugs me or how special I feel when he’s around me. I didn’t tell him how I felt, but I’ve been thinking about the phrase ever since the day I told him those three magical words. It was a feeling that I still can’t describe. I wondered if that was how love felt, like a beautiful sight that just can’t be explained even in a million words, but I knew it was special.

Based on my experiences, I think love is a religion that you really begin to believe in. Love is something that just can’t be explained in a thousand journals, but it can bring tears of joy in your eyes when you read a letter of a hundred words from your lover. Love is about acceptance and tolerance. You cannot say in one breath that you’re a loving and caring person and in the other breath say that you hate a particular person or type of person. To do so is to deny the reality of love, which is accepting of even the things you find hard to love in another person. More importantly, love does not compare! It sees a person as a whole, rather than focusing on a part you dislike and turning that disliked part into the person’s whole. Love doesn’t judge; it tolerates the differences, accepting the choices people make for themselves in life. Rather than imposing your own expectations or attempting to control another person’s viewpoints or lifestyle, love seeks to understand how they feel, where they come from, and who they are. Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. It is when two people like each other very much, to be able to let them know every flaw you have, and to also be able to see them, and be completely comfortable with it. Love is when you can see the imperfect things of someone perfectly. It’s about caring for someone deeply, and never wanting to let go. It’s about thinking about them constantly. You’re completely comfortable with them, and you don’t just like them because they are attractive.

So what does it really mean when someone says, “I love you”? Does it means that you are in love with that person? If it is then I want to continue loving. It’s very different that just an ordinary feelings and I love being in love. To say, “I love you” one cannot stop thinking about that person. It’s when you always get reminded of what you two talked about, its when you smile when you think of him, its when you can not wait to see him and hold him in your arms, its when you can not stop holding him and kissing him when he is next to you, it’s when your heart just hurts when you’re not around him and when you are with him you still miss him. It’s when you can not think about any other guy but him and no one else matters but him, and the most important part is when you look in to his eyes, you see the world in his eyes and his eyes everywhere in the world. When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth. “I love you” is caring for someone no matter what. Excepting their flaws and shortcomings and excepting them for it and it is not conditional on what someone does or does not do. When you say you love someone it should mean that you love them no matter what. That is why it is hard to say and build with another person because it is such a serious feeling and should not be taken lightly. At least this is how I feel about love. The feelings can’t get any better than this.

I’m 20 years old and I’m scared of the future. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and just wander around the house. I’m scared at what the future holds and how I don’t want to end up miserable. I am conscious of the fact that this isn’t always the best way to live your life, that is, looking too far ahead, but I can’t shy away from the reality either. Whether I focus on it or not, it’s still going to be there, and that scares the heck out of me.

I know that I am way too young to even be thinking like this, but maybe it’s just me being an obsessive compulsive. I usually feel that if I won’t be able to do at least one thing right in my future job, then it will be all over for me. Although I do realized that I still have enough years ahead of me to worry about a career. I need to learn how to have confidence in myself and to believe that I can achieve my goals no matter what. I don’t know if I should work after I graduate from university or should I continue master degree first. I’m thinking of becoming a diplomat and maybe work my way to become the ambassador like my Dad did but I don’t know if I can make that kind of goal. I do well in university and everything, but I still get so nervous and I feel as if I won’t have the job that I want for the future. Would I even be compatible in finding a scholarship in Europe? My GPA isn’t that bad but I really do realize that I am not the best. I feel like learning all the time. I’ve gained so much from French Literature that I’m majoring at the moment and learning more is a important for me because education is the passport to the future and with that, I hope I’ll be fine.

In overall, seeing the future from the perspective of being 20 is rough right now. All your life, you look forward to being in your twenties so you’re allowed to do things that were once illegal for the under aged. Although right now, it’s not so cool anymore. You start analyzing every aspect of your life and where it is going. Maybe this doesn’t happen to everyone but it certainly happened to me. I’ve started to discover who I really am, what I always loved deep down, which is writing. I think as young adults, we know what our passions are, but as we get older we get so caught up in life we forget about it. In high school, you don’t care about things you feel passionately about. Then after high school, you care about what university you’ll go to and what do you want to take as a major. Then you hit a certain age where you’ll worry what is your future career or is my future job going to be the job of my dreams? At twenty, you realize you have to think about these things. After all, you’re reaching adulthood! What a scary thing.

When hanging out with one of my best friend a while ago, she tells me that she thinks I’m scared of commitment.  My first reaction was to defend myself against this allegation, “I’m not scared of commitment, I’m just independent!” But then I really got to thinking about her comment and the more I think of it, the more I agree with her. I do have an intense fear of commitment! So, what is it that terrifies me about being committed to something or someone?

For a very long time, I was afraid of love. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t in love or I wasn’t spending time loving others, but it does mean that during those times I was living in fear. I was loving but at the same time, I was so afraid of losing. I held back for fear of love’s loss holding me back. For me, letting love into my life was really difficult. It seems silly because, when you think about it, who wouldn’t want love? Whether or not we think about it on a daily basis, love is something we all want. In fact, most things we work toward in life are based on the idea of wanting love and acceptance. We want to be successful and well liked, but, above all, what we all really want is to be loved.

We all want it but, for a variety of reasons, it can sometimes feel like the hardest thing in the world, even when the love itself feels so good. Cliché as it might be, that old quote “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” really is true. I just can’t help my fear in committing. As much as we all want it, so many of us, including myself, is actually really scared to get it.  I’m afraid to love because I’m afraid of getting hurt or being not good enough. I was afraid of taking something I knew I wanted for fear that I would be hurt by it. Be yourself, be yourself, be yourself. I followed that advise so many times only ended with sorrow. Ever since I’ve struggled with accepting love in my life.

I don’t really give people chances to be in my life. It’s because of all these limits and boundaries. I have an impossible time letting people get close to me. I’ve gone on very few dates and I have to force myself to go through with them. I love to flirt and be close to people and I want nothing more than to be able to function in a relationship. But as soon as someone becomes interested in me I completely shut down, I run away and don’t talk to the person. I’m a really lonely person but I can’t seem to allow myself to be happy with someone. This fear doesn’t seem like anything I’ve ever felt and that I can’t control it. I’ve tried to date guys but I always shut down and run away. I wish I could figure out how to control my irrational fear of letting guys get close to me, that I could let someone in. I have absolutely no problem letting my close friends in but as soon as it becomes romantic I can’t handle it.

Despite my efforts to remain unattached and uncommitted to anything or anyone, I have to admit that deep in my soul, I have an intense longing for security and belonging: both of which cannot happen without commitment. When I think about my commitment fears, it boils down to one issue: truly loving and being loved by others because that means that I’m opening myself up to the possibly of being hurt. I know that I can’t truly love someone else unless I am vulnerable. I do believe that the reason for these changes is due in part to the fact that as I grew up, I realized there were never any people who really even appreciate a romantic type so in some aspects, I’ve cut it out. I think this is due to not really having anyone see or appreciate me for the person I am. I don’t want it but there has been to long of a time where I’ve not been able to open up to someone without upsetting them or having them misunderstands me just because my thoughts and views are different. I don’t want to keep putting in so much of myself into people I care about or have an interest in and having nothing being returned back. I’m so tired of feeling so insignificant to people I consider really important to me.

I hate that I’m so afraid to love but as it stands now, I feel like I’m on a higher understanding than most people and because of it, I’m suffering. I don’t want to deal with people who are (and I don’t mean to sound pretentious when I say this) on a lower mental or maturity level than I am. I even feel guilty for just being myself. Sometimes, you just really want to meet someone who shares your interests. Who likes good food, and wine, and music, and can talk about politics and history. I’m sorry if I sounded a bit aggressive and against guys, but I’m just having a bad period. I don’t want to deal with the stress of having to dumb myself down so I don’t hurt their feelings because they don’t see why or where I’m coming from with my views. I don’t want to have to stuff all of my thoughts and feelings inside and have no one to open up to or vent with because either people say I’m wrong about what I think or completely misunderstood me and end up wanting to leave me out my life.

We have all been there, and the truth is, with every relationship we go through and every break-up we endure, we are also learning about how to be in a relationship. Sometimes we get involved with guys who aren’t good for us, so we learn to avoid that type. Though, the thing about me is that it’s hard to change my bad habit. I don’t fall for the nice guy; I usually fall for the bad ones. After I do, I really just want him to show me his romantic side that no one else knows. I really like to find out his hidden sides that no one else knows but me. That’s what makes me fall in love. I like it when a man is a playful man, someone like Tony Stark would be a perfect example. I don’t see why I actually prefer that kind of men but every now and then, I really could use some feelings in the relationship. So why do I spend so much time with players who don’t really care for me? It’s because we build our world around these people and then feel shattered when we can’t receive from them all that we have expected from the start. When they tell us they don’t care, we say to ourselves, “nobody really cares”, when we know that isn’t true. Only a few people didn’t care, and their coldness blinded our eyes from receiving what other people around us can still offer us.

For example, the last guy I met, he kept giving me compliments, and how I’m the girl he wants to be with. I know how weird this is going to sound, but I think he actually meant all of that. I understood that at the end. At the beginning, all I kept thinking was: “he must be such a dork if he thinks that will work on me”, and he actually made me dislike him and not do anything with him, because of all that stuff. I did think that things like that only work on women with no confidence, stupid women and sluts. That’s just me overanalyzing things again. Though when I do give him a chance, I feel like he’s really nice. I wanted to say “I’m attracted to you” but it would have been weird because we’ve just met. I was really upset feeling that because I was surprised and I’m afraid to fall for anyone right now. I’m really fragile. I just really don’t want be to hurt again like I was last time. For all I know, he won’t feel it back when I do and I don’t want to end up being hurt again. If that makes any sense.

I blame myself for being so uptight. In the past I’ve had the worst experiences, romantically; from unrequited love to lies, to people leading me and generally really messing me around. Then there was a period of me messing people around so I’m terrified of this happening again. It was only lately that I noticed that there is something wrong with how I handled my relationships in the past and now. I’ve always considered myself, free and boundless. I can go whenever, fly wherever. I have prided myself as someone who can easily be transported in a different destination in life without even looking back to where I came from or to whom I was with. I thought I had no problems with attachments. I thought I’m so good with detaching myself from all things and persons. Well there is nothing wrong with this, in fact this could be a real good advantage, but when I examined it very closely, I discovered that I have done so, to hide a certain weakness.

I realized that beneath such strong façade, is that big fear that contaminates my whole being: a fear that hinders me from becoming a truly loving person. And as I look back at the traces of my life, this fear is evident, have a big fear of commitment. I discovered that I have always been running away from intimacy, or if not, I have always protected myself by not getting in too much involved or too deeply attached to the persons I have claimed to love, especially to the persons that I might possibly love. And this can also be seen in the way I deal with my work or with the groups that I am involved with. I always have this big shield in front me. I have built a thick wall around my heart to keep intruders from coming in to prick it. When did I start building this wall? It was since the first time my heart was broken.

You know when you are young, you are so vulnerable and you are always yearning for your parents’ love? You’re always waiting on them to give you that kind of love. It’s their attention that matters, it’s their approval that counts. I had it all once for 5 years but then my little sister came along and guess what? My parents just transferred all their attention and love to my little sibling, and left me questioning, “Hey what happened?” They didn’t even tell me what’s going on, they just left me to my own understanding of the situation so I thought, they did so because she was more than I, she was more adorable and lovable. It made me greatly insecure and deeply hurt. I was trying to win their attention back, but all I got was rejection upon rejection, since they preferred to shower more attention on her than on me.  Then I started coping with the situation, it’s part of being human to adjust to a threatening situation in order to survive. Even though now, I do realize they both love us equally. My thoughts as a young child who lacks knowledge of love only gets me into the very wrong places.

As I grew up, I tend to find an area where I was accepted and recognized, where I was noticed and loved. The school was that perfect avenue. I excelled at school; I succeeded in building a name. That’s how I cope with that painful situation at home. That’s how I first escaped and runaway from the kind of love that hurt me. My need of love had been fulfilled in a different way and so I thought I had solved that problem. But now I realized that I never have. I just kept on running away from it, but running away doesn’t solve anything. I’m actually just ignoring the problem, but it is still there and it continually haunts me and it manifests itself in different ways. I was made to face the blunt reality of my fears that rots real love to develop in my life.

With my previous relationship, I had always this fear that someone may just come along and surpass my worth in that person’s heart. So when I sensed that he was not paying attention to me as much as he used to, I got so paranoid that he has already found someone new. I have programmed my mind that everyone would just leave me, that it is impossible for someone to really love me for me, just me. Subconsciously I have devised my own rotten plot by unconsciously rearranging my circumstance to repeat my painful childhood history. My painful past has stolen my concept on the reality of love. I have not noticed for such a long time that I was blinded, and accepted that the reality of love is supposed to make me feel abandoned and neglected and this kind of fear has brought me to love with all the wrong reasons and to get hurt by my own doing. That is why commitment is a little hard for me to handle. I just wish the right guy would come along.

Is Nocturne by Secret Garden.

I first heard this song when I was 5 years old. I remember how every Sunday morning, during breakfast time, my dad would play this song on repeat. It was the song that I woke up to. I fell in love the first time I heard it and I wanted to listen to the song ever since. The “dreamy” mood created by this song and the climax at the end have always made me feel like I’m on my way of journey in the wilderness, mountain top or in the pit of valley, seeking something important to me, but not found. Although I can’t say that I was emotionally precocious enough to truly understand the song that me and my sister sang along to back then. Although I did know that I liked the way the words and melody brought pictures to my mind and I think it was my first appreciation of poetry. What can I say? I got my excellent taste in music from my dad.

This piece is very beautiful. It sends shivers up my spine every time I hear it. It is tranquil and haunting at the same time, and most likely to make my brain go numb every time I hear it. I can honestly say that it contains the most haunting melody I’ve ever heard in my life; a feeling of sadness, but yet hope as you listen along to the middle of the piece. This is the only song I know of that could successfully make anyone emotional. Its intense and emotional chords and melody shows to people the deeper feelings in their heart. I feel that it expresses so much and reveals the true me, like it speaks for my soul. It has emotions pouring from its golden cup and it will be my favorite song for the eternity. 

Until now this song has succeed in making me feel calm on a grey day. Every time I feel anger, stress, anxiety or fear, I listen to this song and it can transport me to another place. It gives a way to a deep sense of tranquility and melancholic compassion. The violin intermezzo and haunting, perfect vocals in this song are able to open up my heart and awaken the compassion within. Any unhappiness that I may be harboring will be dissolved by a sense of compassion that wells up automatically. The overwhelming emotion appears to remind me that this is a place within all myself where I can find balance and peace of mind by listening to the inner voice of the heart. It truly is a lovely song filled with magic, love and longing; a personal intimate musical idea that comes from the heart.

“Joy has nothing to do with material things, or with man’s outward circumstance… A man living in the lap of luxury can be wretched, and a man in the depths of poverty can overflow with joy.” 
- William Barclay

If we were asked what makes us happy, the answers would be many and varied. In today’s society, it depends on dream being fulfilled, wealth and popularity or finding the perfect soul mate. For me, happiness is simple. It is drawn from more simplistic forms such as doing good things to people without expecting anything in return. It’s the art of appreciating things that come naturally everyday without invitation. Although I don’t deny that sometimes I do tie my happiness to things that are temporary. It is also why I find myself continually let down as I meander my way through life. Why? Well, to be completely honest friends change, dreams don’t always happen, career may collapse, and relationships don’t always work out. Even the most expensive clothes you have will eventually wear out.

Ultimately, happiness is a choice. We can choose to let things, people, emotions and feelings effect your joy or disturb it. All the happiness that we can ever dream of belongs to us. It’s in our hands and we can choose to shape it, multiply it or on the other hand hide it, put it in a dark corner, whatever. I’ve come to realize that we decide if the outcome is either positive or negative.

The other day I came across my mom’s old book about poise and femininity. The cover immediately captured my attention and I took a lot of time rereading it to fully understand what it means, instead of praising my sleeping hours. I must say… I’m totally in love with what the book has to offer. It’s a highlight of Simone de Beauvoir’s words when she stated “One is not born a woman; one becomes a woman.”

Poise itself is a beautiful thing. Poise in a woman is one of the signatures of a beautiful and elegant women; it is the beauty of being in the moment, without being unrushed or beauty of sitting still. Coco Chanel and Audrey Hepburn had it, even Simone de Beauvoir had it in her writings; name few of my inspiring role models. I’m inspired by the way they maintained their poise when insulted or when they are caught in an embarrassing situation. They have a rare quality these days and there is nothing more striking than a woman who knows how to hold herself with dignity and ease.

It’d be nice to have the poise they have. If only I can easily enroll in a “deportment” training, like the ones they have in The Princess Diaries. I’d love to go to a charm school to learn how to sit, stand, walk and even dance gracefully. I want to learn how to carry myself, personal grooming, social graces and how to handle sticky situations like being put on a spot, performing, winning or losing. They rarely have these kinds of schools nowadays. They are expensive and probably not held in high regard like they were once did.

It is said on the book that poise is not something that one can demand of you. It must be your willingness and your choice because the most essential element to a perfect poise is for one to have the control over her emotions. Whatever life throws at her she reminds herself that there is a purpose behind every challenge and an equal measure of strength to overcome it. A woman with poise should also have a defined purpose in life. She’s focused. She’s on a mission, if not several. Does that mean their lives are perfect? Most probably quite the opposite but it doesn’t phase her. Opportunities and offers may be graciously rejected if they are not within the plan. Although she doesn’t just have a Plan A. Is there time to fret and complain? The answer is no.

Confidence also plays a large role in a graceful, poised woman. Thus, it’s not the ultimate ingredient. I believe that you can still be elegant with a touch of shyness. I’m naturally a shy, quiet individual. My natural desire is to withdraw from big crowds and unknown places. For years I really struggled with building my confidence but I realized that confidence wouldn’t just show up on my doorstep one day. It had to be pursued and chased and that’s exactly what I did. I forced myself to do the things I’ve never done before. I traveled across Europe, meet strangers, and work in a new town with new people that didn’t speak my language, creating new friendships. Did I do it all at once? No. Bit by bit, step by step. My motive is that “success comes in cans, not cant’s.

Now? I feel like I’m improving. Although I might hold back a bit or act all masculine, I’m trying my best to preserve poise and include it in all my actions. The objective is not only to remain elegant, but it’s also a practice of social grace, etiquette, quality and presence, and also networking opportunities with the right people. There’s nothing sexier than an elegant, poised women.

There’s a slight chance that I’m falling for a player. Everyone is screaming at me not to but I can’t help it when everything he says is what I want to hear. I don’t know if it’s the feeling of just getting a spark or things being different then my previous relationships. We haven’t even strongly gotten to know each other and we’ve only met couple of times but I feel a connection (this coming from someone who has never fell for any guy based on first impressions). I’m actually surprised by this new side of me.

He’s the kind of guy who’s really smart and confident. I reckon he’s successful for his age, a typical too-good-to-be-true or the whole package kind of guys. Not to mention he hangs out with these outgoing girls. He looks like he is in a lot of drama with them, which I don’t want to be around with. Yet I feel like I really want to know him. I just don’t know if this is an act he’s pulling. What I’m sure of is that I don’t want to give everything up to get crushed by this guy.

My friend had something going on with him once. She told me stories about him being with all these girls but I’m not the type of person who judges others by their past or whatever it is. As long as you’re nice to me, I’ll be nice to you. When you’re mean to me, I’ll still be nice to you, at the same time trying to help you cast away all the negativity. Life is too short to make bad assumptions on people. I believe that even the cruelest people have a heart; it’s just not touched yet. Hence I believe everyone has a history and people can change if we give them the opportunity to let them show us that.

Yes, it’s hard to be in this situation. Falling for a player that tells you all these nice things but then he’s going around getting girls and shit just basically get your hopes up and so you’re totally crushed. That’s the stereotype I do get from players. On the other hand, I try to be very objective. I’ve always been very afraid of liking someone. I tend to spend a lot of time trying to protect my heart than to learn how to love. My failure in previous relationships kind of traumatized me.

This time, it’s different. I can’t really explain why but it just is. Maybe because he’s so good at playing games. When I hear stories about him from my friend, he comes across a typical guy that is a blast to have fun with. Although there’s no exclusive relationship involved. He’s flirty; he’s a good time. Words are meaningless in this situation because guys like that know how to say anything to get what they want. He’s already told you what you want to hear. Even a very close friend of mine said something very straightforward but very true indeed, “Players like him will say the right thing and you’ll be flattered. It’ll make you start to think that you can change him. Again if it were true, he’d be taking action to make it happen: he’d stop all the other women. The only thing players understand and respond to is action. Go out with him if you like but only if you are strong enough not to give him your heart until he earns it which could be a long time coming or never. If you want to tame a player you have to be the girl he has to work to have”.

You see… I’ve always been the kind of person to pay close attention to how people treat others. I’m not the kind of person to think that I will be an exception, or be treated differently. How they treat others is how I feel I will be treated and more likely than not, it is always true. I never expected to be an exception, even with the small or marginally greater likelihood of what could be. I’m more of a realistic. I’m not going to enter any relationship thinking that I can change my partner. What I’m looking here is unconditional love, so if I can’t appreciate how my partner’s lifestyle is (with all the women included), I wouldn’t be more involved than I already am because it isn’t fair to him or myself to change him. I want to be someone who changes in his own time, when he’s comfortable with it. Maybe I should just do me a favor and forget him like I never wrote this?

Like you just want to hide everything with a laugh, with a word, with a move, with a smile; because you’re afraid to show what you’re feeling at the moment? They go around asking, “how are you” or “how you been”, you just say, “I’m fine”. You just can’t seem to put how you feel into words and it’s just complicated, that it hurts so much you just don’t know what to do anymore? Well this is the feeling I have as of now and there’s nobody to turn to, because nobody will never understand the frustrating thoughts that are roaming my mind. Nobody.

I’m at the urge of breaking down. I feel like this semester is the hardest and I’m overstressed with the never-ending assignments. Not to mention my marks have gone downwards. I don’t even know how to maintain a freaking good IPK to get a scholarship when at this point to pass one class is a freaking miracle. What makes me extremely sad is that not only I’ve disappointed myself; I’ve disappointed my parents too. They have such high hopes in me as a first child and the pressure is crazy. They never force me to do anything I don’t want to but I am aware of my place as a child and I’d really like to make them proud. It’s probably my way of telling them thank you for all their sacrifices in providing me with everything I want and need. Although, today I just doubt that I can do all that. Am I really going to succeed? I feel defeated already. I know that by giving more effort I can do great things but today is one of those days where I feel like all my hard works and the time I put to it, is just a total waste of time. I feel like my brain is being pressed to the very last drip and my soul is oppressed until the very last breath. This is by far, my melting point. I need a freaking miracle to develop a sense of enthusiasm to cope with this university shit.

There’s a chance that I might suffer from Philosophobia, an irrational fear of philosophy or philosophers. I’ve developed fear in information and knowledge of understanding the nature of the universe, human, love, purpose, and so many more. Lately I’ve become afraid of thinking in any abstract manner and as such, it’s probably the reason humanity has gotten stuck.

I have developed deep outlooks on life that go unshared simply because my environment has a very skeptical view on people like myself. I think it is because they are afraid to embrace the fact that there are still so many unknowns out there. Is anyone else around me also questioning everything like this, or am I simply insane? If it’s the latter don’t tell me; I may stop thinking when forced into sanity. I don’t like to see myself as being completely insane, I’d rather be called a few particular humans that are trusted to explore these dangerous objects while the rest of us are just everyday citizens.

These deep insights are usually formed while traveling from points A to B to C when lying in bed at night. From that I tend to get excessive anxiety and anything related to panic such as shortness irregular heartbeat and excessive sweating. My mouth even gets dry and I’d be incapable to articulate phrases. The thoughts of what could be and what would be frightens the hell out of me. This has happened ever since I took Philosophy class as we learn and explore the great mind of French philosophers. It has thought me so much then I could possibly imagine, I love it yet I’m so afraid by it, by what it can do to my sanity.